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(1) You and your friend have walked to school together for as long as you can remember. Lately, though, your friend doesn't laugh and joke like he used to and he seems distracted and nervous. The other day he actually swore to you he was going to start carrying a weapon.
(2) Maybe your friend is being bullied at school. It happens more than many people may think. About one out of ten teens is the victim of bullying at some point during childhood or adolescence. Physical and verbal bullying are prevalent in elementary and secondary schools.
(3) Maybe in comparison to school shootings like the one at Columbine High School, being bullied doesn't seem all that important. But if you've ever been pushed, teased or imitated in front of classmates, you know that's not the truth. Bullying can change everything for you; the impacts are significant and long-lasting.
What Is Bullying, Anyway?
(4) Bullying is difficult to define because it can involve so many things. Any person is fair game for someone who bullies. Maybe you've just gotten braces. At first, your friends teased you a little bit; you figured that would happen. There's one guy at school, though, who takes the teasing to a different level. His tone is mean and hurtful and it's all he ever mentions when you're around. He intentionally ridicules you so other classmates will hear. Taunting like that is a form of verbal bullying.
(5) It doesn't have to be braces; a bully might target anything about you that is different. Maybe you're the tallest girl in your class or
you have gained weight. Maybe your family doesnt observe certain holidays because of your religious beliefs. Maybe you were born outside of the U.S. and speak English as a second language. Perhaps you like to write
poetry, play chess or sing in a church choir.
(6) And verbal bullying can be done in countless ways. Teasing, excluding or imitating a particular student are all forms of bullying. Using ethnic slurs or making sexist remarks are also examples of bullying. Bullying can be done with spoken words, notes passed in class, graffiti or E-mail messages. What all types of bullying have in common is the power to upset or harm the people who are being targeted.
(7) Bullying can be physical, too. Maybe each time this guy sees you in the hall he intentionally walks into you and then blames you for being in his way. Or you might accidentally knock your books off your desk, only to have him accuse you of trying to trip him. What's even worse is that the bully isn't always just one person; sometimes a whole group singles you out and tries to taunt or hurt you. It can be extremely intimidating.
Why Are Some Students Bullies?
(8) Bullies can be tough to categorize. A bully may be outgoing and aggressive, the kind of person who gets her way through force or obvious teasing. On the other hand, a bully can appear reserved and innocent on the surface, but may try to manipulate people in more subtle ways, like anonymously starting a rumor about a classmate just to see what happens.
(9) Many bullies, though, share some common characteristics. They are often insecure and therefore put other people down to make themselves feel more interesting or powerful. Furthermore, they are usually focused on themselves; it can be quite difficult for them to see things from someone else's point of view. Moreover, bullies frequently act the way they do because they've actually been hurt by bullies in the past or because another person in their lives - like a parent or other family member - is abusing them in some way.
Standing up for Yourself - or a Friend
(10) Keep in mind that if you are concerned that you might be in physical danger, you must speak to an adult who can help you. No one wants to rat on someone, but your safety has to be your first priority.
(11) Another thing to remember if you or a friend is being bullied is to avoid being alone. Try to remain part of a group by walking home at the same time as other teens or by always sticking close to friends or classmates, especially before and after school.
(12) If you're being bullied and you're ready to stand up for yourself, there are some techniques you can try:
(13) (Walk away and ignore the bully. It may seem like a coward's response, but it's not. Bullies thrive on the reaction they get and if you walk away, the message is that you just don't care. Sooner or later the bully will probably get bored with trying to bother you.
(14) (Be confident; walk tall and hold your head high. Use your body language to show that you're not vulnerable.
(15) (Try humor. If you can learn to laugh at yourself then you won't give the bully the response he or she is looking for.
(16) (However you choose to deal with a bully, don't use physical force (like kicking, hitting, or pushing). You can never be sure what the bully will do and violence never solves a problem, anyway.
(17) (Talk about it. It may help to talk to a guidance counselor, teacher, or friend - anyone who can give you the support you need. Talking can be a good outlet for the fears and frustrations that can build when you're being bullied.
Resisting the Temptation to Be a Bully
(18) It's common for teens to have to deal with a lot of difficult situations and emotions. If you're feeling stressed, angry, depressed, or frustrated, bullying someone else can be a quick escape - it takes the attention away from you and your problems. And if your friends respond by laughing and egging you on,
it gives your self-esteem a little boost and
reinforces your behavior. Try to stop yourself right there and think about how your words and actions can hurt someone else. What may seem like innocent teasing to you can make a huge impact on another person's life.
(19) If you find it hard to resist the temptation to be a bully, you might want to find someone to talk with. Talking can be a good way to release your feelings and frustrations and to look at a situation from a totally different perspective. For example, maybe hearing about how your older brother was bullied when he was in school would cause you to think a bit differently about the way you treat someone.
Getting Help
(20) If your school has an antiviolence program, you might want to become involved in it. If not, maybe you'd like to start one.
(21) Finally, if your friend is being bullied, see if you can get him to talk to you about it. Then, maybe you can help your friend boost his self-confidence so he can react in a healthy, nonviolent way to the bullying. Try taking a stand by refusing to put up with bullies if you see them in action. If you hear someone taunting a classmate, for example, speak up and point out that this is no way to treat another person. You might be saving someone a lot of pain.
(22) Have yousuccessfully stoodup to a bully - or helpeda friend stand up to one? Have you put a stop to your own bullying ways? If so, we want to hear from you! Share your tip with other students by writing to us at teens@kidshealth.org.
Reviewed by: Steve Dowshen, MD, and Jennifer Shroff Pendley, PhD
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Dealing With Bullying, Kids Health http://www.kidshealth.com
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